


Yours in Life and Death, Alexander.

by lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Canon Era, F/M, I don't know what their house looks like so???, M/M, be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 08:14:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6558976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex is working through the aftermath of John Laurens' death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yours in Life and Death, Alexander.

When John Laurens dies, Alexander tries to do what he always does. He tries to write.

He tries to write even one sentence to describe how he feels about it, but he finds himself at a loss for words. He stares at the blank sheet of parchment. Ink drips out of his quill and falls in bleak drops onto the sheet of white until there's no more ink left and it's bled through the paper and onto his desk.

He becomes frustrated, repeatedly stabbing his quill into the paper until it's hard enough to bend it's tip. He hurls his inkwell at the wall of his office. The loud shatter of the glass startles even him and resonates through the room, the sleek mass of it dripping onto the floor.

In reality, he's not mad for not being able to write anything. He's mad at John. He's mad at John for dying. He's mad at John for leaving him to live in a world where he will never see him again. He's fucking furious that John had had the audacity to die at age 27 when their nation is only it's in its first year of existing as independent. He's enraged at John for going off to South Carolina in the first place. He's mad that he ever even met John Laurens in the first place.

John was always reckless and Alexander knew that. In fact, it's that characteristic that Alexander loved when they'd first met. It's something that Alexander should have been more worried about. In the end, it's what gets John killed. It's a trait that John passes on to Alexander when he dies.

Eliza doesn't know what to do. She leaves food outside of the office door for Alex, setting it down on the ground before she tries to open the door. It's always locked. Usually he only eats in the morning, neglecting the rest of his meals for the day to continue whatever he is doing in there.

Alexander writes Lafayette about John. He writes him about how angry he feels, about how confused he feels. He writes Lafayette and comes out of his office for the first time in three days to mail it.

Eliza bounces Philip on her hip as she stares at Alex as he navigates his way through their house. His hair is out of place from where he'd tied it back, small strands of it strewn around his hairline. He walks differently now, his posture sagging a bit, making him look shorter than he already is. When he looks at her, his eyes are bloodshot, tears still forming in them. He looks like he's missing something, like a piece of him died with John Laurens. She waits until he leaves to put Philip in bed and sneak into his office and observe the carnage.

The ink stain streaks onto the floor. The broken glass of the inkwell is still there, but Eliza doesn't pick it up. There are books angrily thrown from shelves, but not hard enough that they are damaged. Paper is scattered across the floor. Some pages are ripped to pieces and some are only ripped down the middle. It's the one whole piece of paper crumpled into a be in the corner that draws her eyes. She takes it off the ground and smooths it out. It reads:

_My dear Laurens, I am devastated of your death, to the point where I am regretting ever having met you in the first place. I was at first shocked by myself when I thought this before realizing that I do not regret loving you. I can never regret loving you._

_On another note, I also come to find myself infuriated with the fact that you were foolish enough to die in battle. The war is over now, but you obviously were not stalled by that fact, and so you didn't listen. You died anyway. I hoped that you would return home safe to me and everyone else who loves you and_ you died anyway. _You died and left me here alone to never hear your voice again. Condemned me to a life where your countenance will not frequent it. Sentenced me to a life of never getting to be in your presence again. I am a luckier man than others though, I suppose. I still have Betsey and our wonderfully bright son. He looks like you, John. He is only seven months, but he is almost a perfect reflection of you. I hope this does not affect my ability to parent him. I love you, John._

_Yours in life and death, Alexander._

_P.S._

The letter stops there with a smear of ink across the final few words. Eliza has tears in her eyes. She knew of Alexander's affections for this man, of course. After all, you have to be fairly close to someone to invite them to your wedding night as if it were a party and not what it was. She knew and yet the fact that his love for this other man runs this deep still shocks her.

The front door of their house opens, and Eliza panics, balling up the letter and setting it back where she found it in his office, then dashing out. She meets him in the hallway, stopping him before he can walk past.

"Alexander, dear," she calls, trying to coax him out of his own head. She grabs both of his hands in hers.

"Yes, Eliza?"

"Are you alright?"

He doesn't meet her eyes.

"Eliza, please, don't make me do this."

"Please talk to me, Alexander."

He removes his hands from hers. "My work cannot get done if I just stand here and leave it be," he says. He escapes to his office, leaving Eliza in the hallway alone.

**Author's Note:**

> this is so bad kill me


End file.
